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Bunker Hill: Andromeda Episode Review

In which Harper needs new friends and Dylan has crap taste in women.

What Happened

Harper heads back to Earth to help his cousin lead a revolt against the Drago-Katzov, but Dylan can't keep his promise to back them up when he gets sucked into the Sabra-Jaguar's attack on the Drago-Katzov fleet.

The Good

• When Elsbett tells Dylan that he's made a perfectly timed entrance (as usual), why does he give Rommie a guilty look? Oh, that's right because of that time he boinged Elsbett. He obviously doesn't want Rommie to know he's a skank.
• I suppose that I should be grateful they didn't try the Boston accent.
• All kinds of guys flying all over the place. Impressive gun fight. Wish they'd blown something up though.
• "But Dylan always keeps his promises." Perfect confusion/betrayal from Harper as he talks with Tyr.
• So Harper's logic is, "Don't go out there to die or I'll kill you?" Fantastic scene between him and Brendan. So much more effective than some lame rescue mission followed by a manly hug.
• "You didn't talk to Cuchulain about me before you had him executed, did you?" Dylan can be so much fun when he's smug.

Sweet, Hot, Smart: Rules of Television

It's like the idea that you can have things fast and cheap, or fast and good, or cheap and good. But you can't have things fast, cheap, and good. On television, you can be smart and sweet. Or sweet and hot. Or smart and hot. But you can't be sweet and smart and hot.

(I suppose you could argue all these terms on an individual basis. Not everyone appeals to every viewer. This is about conventional definitions, rather than personal preference.)

Smart and Sweet

Ah, the little Winnifred Burkles of the world (Amy Acker, Angel). Bearing in mind that on TV "hot" is relative. All these people are hot in real-life, but on TV we see that oh-so-special brand of nerd who is suddenly Not Hot because they wear glasses. Or scrunch their face up a bit.

You might also - you know - say things. There's a syllable to hotness ratio. The more you use, the less you are.

You are, however, welcome to be a complete sweetheart, politely hanging off the hero's every word and pretending not to be crushed that he doesn't notice you there. Every so often you snap, usually at a moment that requires some humor to break the tension. But you never throw a punch, because when Sweet Smarties get mad it's a righteous anger that is for a Very Good Reason and not to be sullied by such base actions.

Unless it's sweeps week and we really really need a laugh.

Sweet and Hot

So good-looking. And so very not very intelligent. At the worst, you exist solely stand in the background, asking for translations of all the technobabble. Perhaps someone thinks exposition will be forgiven if it comes at the request of someone pretty.

At the best, you are poor Paul Ballard (Tahmoh Pennikett) on Dollhouse. Are you sure you were trained at Quanico? Because from what I've heard, they have pretty high standards. I fear your inability to think through your actions and perchant for stating the obvious five minutes behind the audience would be an issue for them.

Oh, but you mean well. You want to do the right thing and rescue poor Caroline from the Dollhouse and bring everyone to justice. It's a laudable goal.

It's just going to take a while, is all.

Hot and Smart

I'm thinking of Rome's Marc Antony (James Purefoy). Sure, you aren't going to win in the end, which is kind of sad because then you'll be dead. (And you were so pretty.) This is partly because you are - technically - the bad guys, but mostly because you are at the mercy of the screenwriters. Or the history books.

You are definitely hot, you get the best dialogue and you can take solace in the fact that your plans work. All except the last one, of course, when you get shot or stabbed or squashed under the giant radio telescope that you were using to take over the world.

I fear that you do deserve your fate. Lets face it, you're not very nice. That great dialogue is usually an insult and you are often cruel to your flunkies. Too bad you're never smart enough to see that a little kindness will take you as far as a lot of scheming.

In the meantime, if you could kick some sense into one of the dim ones on the way out the door?

The Prince: Andromeda Episode Preview

In which there's a Nietzsche reference in here somewhere, isn't there?

Preview

Dylan is "at the mercy" of a young prince?

The Actual Show

In opposite world, maybe.

The whole point of the episode is that this rather useless young man winds up caught in the middle of Dylan's latest battle of wills with Tyr. Dylan is all about finding a peaceful solution to His Highness and the rebellion of the nobles, while Tyr is plotting first to put him on the throne and then to cut a deal to include Dylan in the body count and take over Andromeda.

It's the same conflict between Dylan's idealism and Tyr's ambition we've been seeing all along, although Dylan's willingness to play dirty is new. He was having a little too much fun showing off Rommie and her capability to inflict mass destruction. In terms of character development, it would have been interesting if Tyr could have his way, just once. Maybe not here, but overall it would make their competition more even if he could win every now and then.

Watching: Flash Forward

Playing Cards With Coyote

Have to admit I spend most of the episode waiting for it to be over so that I could go take my stuffy head fever cough aches runny nose so I rest medicine and go to bed. That may have colored my opinion a bit.

Problem is, the show is becoming one long NCIS with some science fiction tacked onto the corners. That's what happens when too much of your dialogue looks like this:

Detectice: "We have to do X."

Boss: "We can't do X."

Detective: "If we do X, then we'll get Y."

Boss: "If we do X ... [dramatic pause] ... We'll get Y. Let's do X."

[Everyone in room looks really serious.]

The nonsensical poker game that seemed to be going on all day and night didn't help either. Seriously. Big science words doesn't make you science fiction, it just makes you super annoying, Simon. And am I supposed to be impressed with Lloyd because he cheats at cards? He shouldn't have been playing cards at all. He should have just gone public and left Simon to pick up the pieces. This better have pay-off.

Mark's willingness to commit murder to stop his flash forward from coming true is interesting - even if you didn't call immediately that there could be more than one guy with that tattoo. Murder is pretty hard core (esp. compared to cheating at cards) so Mark's willingness to go there says something about his character. What exactly it says we don't really know since all we get is a standard issue hug-confess-hug sequence with Olivia. But I'm sure it says something.

Problem is, this action really only works if what he's afraid of is the men with guns. Killing some random flunky does nothing to negate Mark being drunk at the office while Olivia sleeps with some random dude.

Now, if he'd taken a shot at Lloyd, we might be getting somewhere.

Related Posts

• Watching: Flash Forward "The Gift"

Into the Labyrinth: Andromeda Episode Review

In which there is James Marsters.

What Happened

Party-crashers liven up a meeting to discuss what to do about the Magog, including a Perseid spy, Nietzschean Charlemagne Bolivar, and a woman determined to use Harper to retrieve the All-Systems Library file on the Magog leader.

The Good

• James Marsters. Yum.
• Cetrina makes a good femme fatale. She has a sense of humor and matches Harper as his "succubus-babe."
• More hints dropped about Trance. I wonder if there is a connection to the Magog leader, or if info on her and info on it just happened to wind up in the same database.
• Beka's little scene with Charlemagne was not entirely necessary unless he shows up again and they develop their animosity/flirtation, but was still cute.
• "Your weapon is empty." What a polite laser gun.

So Dollhouse Is Cancelled

I barely even have the energy for a good rant in FOX's direction. I've already discussed their psychotic scheduling decisions. What merits or flaws Dollhouse might have had, the show was being plugged into a system that almost guaranteed failure.

There is No Such Thing as a Commercial Interruption

Myth: Television does not exist to entertain. Or inform. Or enlighten.

Truth: It exists to sell advertising space.

Myth: Television is "free."

Truth: Television is advertising supported. The viewer isn't paying money. The advertiser pays in money. The viewer pays in time and energy watching the ads.

The distributor (FOX) gets ahold of some content (Dollhouse) and wraps it around some ad space. Presuming X number of viewers, it turns around and sells those viewers to the advertisers. "X number of people will see your ads," FOX says. "Pay me."

Yup. FOX pimps us out.

In order to preserve the profit margin, FOX will buy low (cheap content or cheap viewers) and sell high (plump sweeps weeks ratings). That's how the system works. That's the nature of the beast. (Newspapers, magazine, radio? All work the same way.)

But I Already Know This

You are not the average viewer. You read the internet. You follow ratings. You know who Nielsen is. You know what sweeps week means. You blog. You tweet. You HD. You know who the executive producer / creator of your favorite show is. You know what all the buttons on your remote control are for. You TiVo. You iTunes. You Podcast. You Netflix. You Hulu.

You are special. You don't count. Unless you really do have a Nielsen box, in which case you do count and this is likely all your fault.

The Leading Edge

It is my suspicion - completely unsupported by any statistical evidence - that the very people who are most likely to watch sci-fi and fantasy shows are also most likely to be taking advantage of the new technologies to watch them places other than their television set at the time they originally aired. That is why we are seeing genre shows being hit first and hardest.

Our friends the networks don't know how to count the people using these new streams in a meaningful way. "Meaningful" of course in the sense of "how much money are they worth?" Why wonder about DVR+7 or DVR+3? If it was about the show, it wouldn't matter. The show is the show whenever it gets watched. It's the commercials that have an expiration date.

Hulu.com, iTunes, Netflix, DVDs. These are of minimal to zero value to the networks for one simple reason: minimal to zero ad space.

The Butt End

The networks are making vague efforts to adjust to the changing media landscape. Though, let's face it, it hasn't really changed until your grandmother is doing it. (Or you are the grandmother.) In the meantime, they are forging along using the same old business model that has made them such obscene profit margins in the past.

So that means that shows like Dollhouse are going to get canceled. Not for any reason that had anything to do with whether it was a good show or not. Dumber shows stay on the air all the time. And so do smarter ones, for that matter. FOX is a business and they made a business decision.

(If I may give advice to people I don't know, I would suggest Joss Whedon - in the interest of his own business - think twice about trusting FOX to air his programs in the future. But that's probably just me. He's probably just glad when anyone gives him money.)

Best Served Cold

I also suspect - also without proof - that this habit of chasing short term profits will eventually bite them in the butt. They are seeing high ratings, but mostly in comparison to other networks. Not compared to what they were in the past. The pool they are drawing from has been shrinking for decades and that doesn't appear to be changing.

Regularly pissing off part your audience by rubbing their noses in your "business decisions" will not win you any friends. And average viewers who don't think about it much will just as happily not think about it on their iPhones as soon as they get in the habit. Your brand loyalty is tanking, my friends.

We've seen distributor-based advertising-supported business models in newspaper and magazines crash and burn over the past ten years. Other publishing is quietly scrambling for digital distribution. Radio and music streams had to adjust. Now it's hitting higher level media.

It used to be that the sheer infrastructure required to create content and reach a large audience was too costly for anyone but a major corporation. Cost of an entry-level set-up was prohibitive. You'd never make your money back even if you were a "success."

That's changing. Not as fast as we'd like, but probably faster than they'd like. Premium cable channels are pushing artistic boundaries and making money. Lower level nets are getting more popular acclaim and - this is the important part - making mney. We're just starting to see web-based series making the producers enough to survive and thrive. Let's remember that a success looks different to the average actor than to the average network.

More channels equals more possibilities equals the major networks don't get to set the schedule for much longer. Rupert Murdoch will probably die one of the richest men in the world. My guess is his kids will have a hard time keeping the family farm going.

What Do I Think?

Hey, look at that. I did have a rant in me after all. Complete with Goodbye Cruel World The End is Coming threat at the close. Go me.

Home Fires: Andromeda Episode Review

In which there is Rhade.

What Happened

Invited to the planet settled by Dylan's fiancee Sarah Riley, the crew finds her descendants led by a man who looks just like Dylan's traitorous first officer.

The Good

• Harper: "Aquaman? Silver Surfer? Didn't you people go to school? There's no classical education at all anymore."
• Dylan and Tyr's discussion on the odds of genetic reincarnation turning up Rhade's clone. Of course, we don't get the real payoff until "Immaculate Perception."
• "You should never trust a Nietzschean ... Except for me." Tyr waited just long enough to tack that on.
• "He was a hero after all." Curious lack of inflection on this line. I think that Telemachus just wanted to find out if Dylan was going to try and discredit him by revealing what Rhade really did during the rebellion.

Belonging: Dollhouse Episode Review

In which we learn about Sierra. And Topher.

What Happened

Flashback time: Priya (now our Sierra) was an artist selling her work as a beach vendor when she attracted the attention of a rich sleazebag named Nolan. He arranged a showing of her art as a way of impressing her and arranged to have some dolls like Echo and Victor there to talk him up as a way of really really creeping her out.

When Priya told Nolan to get lost, he used his knowledge of psychiatric pharmaceuticals to drive her insane. Then, he asked Adelle to turn her into a doll as a way of getting her under his control. He's been regularly renting her out ever since then.

Una Salus Victus: Andromeda Episode Review

In which there is a space battle.

What Happened

A convoy of Wayist relief ships are trying to get to a plague-stricken world, but have to pass through Drago-Katzov territory, so Dylan and the Andromeda agree to escort them to safety. He and Tyr sneak into a stronghold to sabotage the Nietzschean defenses. Meanwhile, Beka is stranded in the Maru, tangling with a Nietzschean fighter pilot, and Harper leads the convoy into a trap.

The Good

• Thirty-second back-story: need to get to sick people, have to go through Acheron and the Drago-Katzov. Got that? Okay, let's go.
• "You were supposed to find me a prisoner, not thin the Drago-Katzov gene pool." Dylan's in a bad mood this morning.
• "It was a joke." Tyr? Don't you know by now that Dylan takes these off-hand, no one in their right mind would actually do it, suggestions seriously?
• Of course, Dylan offering Tyr up was a trick. It was, however, a wicked tense argument between the two of them leading up to it.
• Very nice final scene between Tyr and Dylan discussing their uneasy alliance.

Watching: Monday Night Sitcoms

How I Met Your Mother - The Rough Patch

I suppose it had to happen. They aren't going to neatly pair off Barney of all people, so the relationship with Robin had to end. They did it well, pulling in the other characters. And it didn't come down to some ridiculous argument over behavior that was present all along and suddenly became unacceptable just because the writers had run out of steam.

Accidentally on Purpose

I can't make up my mind about this show. The focus on whether Jenna Elfman's character is attractive now that she's pregnant! is annoying me. The sister's sudden drive to reproduce doesn't endear her to me any further, particularly since the chosen method of convincing her husband to go along is to whine and manipulate.

The Big Bang Theory - The Guitarist Amplification

Disappointing as it is, it makes sense that Robin and Barney would eventually end, but the Penny/Leonard thing irks me even more. HIMYM already has a happy couple, so Robin/Barney would unbalance things. Big Bang doesn't have that issue, so why not leave them alone and play with the other characters? Not only that, but the contrived drama is bringing out the characters' worst traits: over-defensiveness, jealousy and they are both just getting really shrill.